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Wednesday, August 8th, 2018

Time:1:04 pm.
Missing one of my favorite places in San Diego.
I used to love going hiking on my own here and just be with nature

bridge 2
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Wednesday, November 9th, 2016

Time:1:39 pm.
one of the insureds whom I handle an account for, came in with a trump hat on.
i thought my buddy was kidding me when he told me he was here... I was on the phone at the time and he scribbled a message on a paper to tell me.
i winced, but went and brought him back to my desk. i didn't address the hat.
i cut to the chase and asked how I could help him today.

he wanted contact information for his adjuster, he said.
i've given him this information 2 times already.
i think he was hoping to come in here and talk about politics.
but I didn't give him the chance. I'd rather not.

he's a nice man but he tends to come in unannounced and tells me he's retired so he has time to come in... even HR has told me that he comes in too often...
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Time:9:38 am.
I just can't believe it.
This stands for so much more and that's what makes me sad.
Have to stay strong.
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Monday, November 7th, 2016

Time:11:08 am.
Sometimes little moments of anxiety hit me.
At the most inopportune times.
Then it becomes depression...and stress.
It takes me a second or two to realize that I need to pull my shit together
because it doesn't do me any good.
Especially when I'm at work and I need to focus.

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Monday, October 24th, 2016

Time:6:09 pm.
It's hard to become distant from his family... we were family for so long. And then I think, why do we have to become distant?

Today his dad sent a group message on FB messenger about his new product and how it's launching and I don't know if he did it to try and make peace or he wasn't thinking... but he included the wildebeest in the message... I immediately held my breath when I saw who the group consisted of.

In the past he would send messages to mom, brother, sis in law, M and I... and this time it included her...

I got sad and mad. I texted him right away and let him know that I fully support him but I was upset to see her name. He apologized and I felt like an ass right away. I apologized and said it is just difficult but I am proud of him. He said thank you and asked if we could have a coffee date soon. I said yes please.

M's dad is one of my best friends... he helped me keep my sanity most of the year we were in counseling. He believed in me, in us and has always been so wonderful. I miss being closer to him. And I don't want to lose what we have.

Still, I hate seeing her name, her user pic where her and M are together... and especially in a family message.

I can't imagine how torn his parents are. It's their kid, and they hate what he did...his mom once told me that if she could chose a kid to keep in the family between M and I it would be me...

I hope things get easier, heal more and that everyone can have peace... well, almost everyone.

I still hope things fall apart for M and the wildebeest. I know I shouldn't think negative things but when it comes to those two assholes, I mean it.
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Wednesday, October 19th, 2016

Time:9:41 am.
Mood: optimistic.
I was talking to my co-worker yesterday about how it would be so great to move to a different city and just live there for a while, and just do that every once in a while.

She said, "Why don't you? You're young. You aren't tied down."

It's true. But there's debt that I have about a year left on to get completely rid of, and I do have my parents who are getting up there and aren't in the best health...

But it is so tempting. I'll have to see where I am in a year.

Then again, tomorrow isn't promised.

Boston, Oregon, Washington State (I miss that place), Montana, Alaska... and then there are other countries...


Saturday, October 15th, 2016

Time:10:49 pm.
I was just re-reading my old entries and realized how much I used to love writing in here. Only few people in my life knew about this journal and I felt like I could just be me. I should use this more again. I think I liked that not so many people knew me in real life, because they could just read and not comment. I think I like that. I might just disable comments, now that I know how to do that. Haha.

I feel like I'm at a standstill in life right now. At times I still feel down and sorry for myself but then I get pissed at myself and say "snap out of it, woman!" because I don't want to be a Debbie Downer to myself. I'm good at smiling outwardly and making people smile. I actually enjoy making people smile and laugh, but I really do need to reconnect with me ultimately.

So my marriage of 10+ years ended in a terrible affair on his behalf and it wasn't my choice to end it all. It was like a death... and there was a lot of effort to try and save it (from me mostly) and well, he didn't want to do that.

Now, I need to figure out how to let that go. It's hard when it wasn't my choice and I had to figure out how to let things die in a way. I don't admit it to people because they get angry with me or my feelings, but I still have a few... even three years after being separated. I guess it's natural but I do need to just feel and let go.

And so now I'm here. Stressed often at work. Not exercising like I used to, to get things out in a healthy manner, and emotionally binge eating too much. I used to think that people just said that could happen... but I can tell you, it's true. And then I'm like, "I need to snap out of this!" it's easier to feel sorry for myself than to try and empower myself.

I have to cut this shit out and empower myself and realize that I'm amazing. And that I deserve more.

Thursday, October 6th, 2016

Time:11:39 am.
I'm sitting at my desk... overwhelmed with work (we're very short staffed) and I can't help but pretend I'm in the picture for October right now.

This 2016 calendar is handy to have here. <3

Back to work...
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Wednesday, September 28th, 2016

Time:12:57 am.
Yesterday as I started my day at work, I wrote down the date on my notepad...9/27/16.... something seemed familiar... then it hit me, and I held my breath... it would've been 13 years of marriage...9/27, my anniversary date.

The sadness is still there. It is a mourning after all. But I guess I'm better off than I was a couple of years ago.


Thursday, September 8th, 2016

Time:5:10 pm.
I miss San Diego often and I've playfully mentioned to my family that when I'm in a better financial place, I might consider moving back.

I don't know if I will, but it's nice to just think of it.

It took me a good while to get readjusted to Los Angeles, and I think I've got the hang of this city again, but still, I miss the slower and friendlier pace.

Then there's the whole, let the past stay in the past... but what fault does San Diego have? :)
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Wednesday, September 7th, 2016

Time:2:24 pm.
It's been a while

I'm ok, still healing.

But smiling more often, which is a good thing.
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Sunday, January 11th, 2015

Time:10:37 am.
Does anyone still read this?
I'm doing ok. Still going through some stuff but a lot better.
Hope you're all ok.

I'm going to start posting on here, but might disable comments as I don't want people commenting on here.
It sounds horrible, but I don't want any uncomfortable, "attempt to comfort" comments about what happened.
I'm still working on myself and enjoying being alone for now, if that makes sense.
No rush to get into another relationship right now.
Probably a really good idea.

Also, it's amazing how many friends come out of the wood works saying that they've always liked you...as more of a friend but couldn't say anything before as I was "taken", but I'd rather them not. I understand, but unless I seek you out, please don't. You are probably just an awesome friend. Thank you.

And...no pity please.

Sorry, I'm pretty forward these days. Honesty is the best policy.

Don't worry, I'm still polite, just have to say it like it is.
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Sunday, May 18th, 2014

Time:12:49 pm.
It's been a while since I've written on here... and many things have happened in my life since then. I started a wordpress journal, but it's a healing journal, and I will probably eventually make it public.

For now, I can share that I have separated, and am in the process of getting divorced... it was not my choice and it was due to infidelity on his part... but it came down to my decision to remove myself from a situation that he wasn't willing to fix.

Oh well.

I'm ok. Some days are tough but they're slowly getting better.

I hope you're all well.

Much love.

Also, I don't want to talk about it right now with people... I just thought I'd let you know. Please don't ask. Thanks.

Thursday, December 1st, 2011

Time:7:41 pm.
Wow, the last entry I wrote was almost a year ago now.
I need to get on here more often and write.
And also, I need to take more pictures, darnit!
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Saturday, January 29th, 2011

Subject:Mushy stuff
Time:6:50 pm.
I'm in our garage right now,
listening to my husband rock out to some music on the drums.
He is absolutely amazing.

His birthday is tomorrow, 29 years old.
And I've had the privilege of spending the last 7 years of his life with him.
I feel blessed. I feel happy and honored to be his wife.
I never would have thought that I'd end up with someone who would make me this happy.
Sure we've got little tiffs here and there, as any other couple does, but all in all,
I am so happy with being able to be his partner and just conquering and enjoying life together.

Happy birthday love.
Here's to many more!
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Thursday, December 30th, 2010

Time:5:52 pm.
I hope that you're all having happy holidays and that you have a Happy New Year!
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Saturday, July 31st, 2010

Time:5:08 pm.
family is such a blessing.
i'm so thankful for mine.

hope you're all doing well.

Post from mobile portal m.livejournal.com
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Saturday, June 19th, 2010

Time:11:52 am.
I miss photography.
I should do more of it.
Sunny days are here,
and I should take advantage of that.

I hope you're all well!

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Sunday, March 28th, 2010

Time:11:02 pm.
Days pass by.
A blur sometimes,
in stop motion other times.
Lack of sleep,
with an abundance of love.
The true meaning of family,
very apparent.
Especially in a moment like this.
Everything is real.
Everything is still.
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Wednesday, February 17th, 2010

Time:7:44 pm.
Been busy with work.
Also, our kitty Jazz is battling feline leukemia :(
Every day with her is a blessing.
Hope you're all well.
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LiveJournal for Lunaadmirer.

View:User Info.
You're looking at the latest 20 entries. Missed some entries? Then simply jump back 20 entries.